Here goes.

It has been a long time between posts. The things I used to say and do here at this blog will likely be different than what I do today and going forward. Anyone who reads back far enough will know that I raised two children in a suburban environment. Had two children from an earlier marriage that I tried to stay close to. And I had broad interests. Football. Music. My family.

If you kept reading you will also know that I lost the woman I called Esposa on this blog some years ago. For the monolingual, Esposa is Spanish for wife. But Esposa was more than a wife. She was a friend, a confidant, a lake rat like me, and many other good things. Starting in 2007 we both worked at home together. We were together 24×7 except for the occasional business travel from then until the bitter end on August 8, 2017.

Many of my last posts had to do with my memories of her and how I dealt (not well) with the loss. My instinct was to run away. The first Christmas the kids and I loaded up and went to California. We bought Christmas PJs and took pictures in front of the tree at the Embassy Suites in Monterey California.

But that wasn’t far enough for me. I ran off to Raleigh, North Carolina ostensibly for my job, but really just to get away from the house, the memories, the lingering smell of her perfume. This went on for some years.

Then something funny happened. I started to like Raleigh. I started going places. I met a few people. I had my boat brought out from Texas. I met someone. Someone special. And while the final bell has not rung, I fear that may be ending due to my previously mentioned proclivity to spout bullshit.

So as part of our “taking a break” and “giving each other space” I came out to Texas for my granddaughter’s birthday. I extended the stay to cover a little over two weeks. Time to ruminate on the future of my relationship. Get re-acquainted with Texas. Maybe think about moving back some day.

Then a funny thing happened. I came to realize that I missed my home in Raleigh. I used to think of it as just an apartment. Just stuff. A place for me and my dog. But he’s here with me. I think he misses it too. I am sitting here in Texas, homesick for North Carolina.

Now you might say it’s about my special lady, my Anam Cara. But it goes beyond that. I have found a church home after years of hating God. I am repairing my spiritual relationship with Him. I am back in therapy, only two sessions but it is helping. Both with the relationship and with my more deep seated issues.

I have lost a significant amount of weight and am now able to work out more, joined a gym. And I got my teeth fixed which was a big deal to me. Anam Cara didn’t get it but I always wanted to get them fixed but first the kids braces, then Esposa’s dental emergency, then after she was gone figuring I was just waiting around and my teeth wouldn’t show in the casket anyway.

So as a backdrop to all that I may be losing one of the best relationships with one of the sweetest, kindest, and attentive women I have ever met. And she’s pretty. And she loved me. And she tolerated me. At least until she didn’t.

But I’m not going to lay down. I’m not going to run. I have come to the conclusion that as long as I have one foot in Texas and one in Raleigh I will never be fully free. When I get home I am going to make a DMV appointment and get my NC driver’s license. I’m going to register to vote in the precinct where I actually live. I’m going to register my boat in North Carolina.

I am going to be me. Finally.

Maybe for the first time ever.

So that is what you are going to get here. A lot of me talk.

But Tough is back.